redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
The Firefly Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW And admire the glory of the universe. We figure we can improve it. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ moose grunts ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, I'm gonna turn a bedspring into a bug zapper... Ranger gord is having his correspondence-school class reunion... Glen and I are gonna pinstripe a boat... And then bill is gonna take an unexpected jog in the forest. I'm gonna show you how easy it is to work with the self-sticking floor tiles. And now let's meet a man who still looks like his grade-six picture -- even though it was taken almost seven years ago -- my uncle, mr. Red green! Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. And here's a guy who looks exactly like his x-rays -- my nephew, harold. [ keyboard clacking, bear growling ] you see what happens to teenagers when they're not allowed to use heavy equipment? We had a big week this week up at the lodge here. A bunch of us took the roof right off of buster's house. Now, buster has had some great ideas, but this one is really super. Oh, yeah -- better than his underwater pool? [ laughs ] better than his lightning trap? Better than his surface-to-air clothesline? [ laughs ] harold, buster has paid his last lighting bill. Took off all the shingles, took out the ceilings of his house, replaced them all with glass -- 100% natural lighting. Excuse me, uncle red, but what about at night? Well, harold, he's gonna fill the whole attic with fireflies. And at night, when those little guys light up, so will buster's house. Well, perhaps he should remember that ancient saying -- he who live in glass house should not have bugs in roof. And don't forget that other ancient saying -- bug-eyed goof with glasses not allowed in my house. [ bear growls ] hi. I'm ranger gord. What year is it? [ pulley squeaking ] [ sticks and guitar playing ] ♪ jack went looking for firewood ♪ ♪ so hal went looking for jack ♪ ♪ stan went looking an hour ago ♪ ♪ and none of them ever come back ♪ ♪ so george went out with a flare gun ♪ ♪ stan went to see where they are ♪ ♪ this is one of the complications ♪ ♪ when you camp right next door to a bar ♪ [ water splashes ] well, you know, when you started going out with her, you were just separated from your first wife. You promised that you'd marry her. Then your divorce came through. You promised you'd marry her. So you started living together. You promised her you'd marry her. Now, you don't have to be a white hat to see a pattern developing here. You promised her you'd marry her. And to date you have not, and I would say that her anger in you is what they would call justified. Yeah, but we're not here to sell you on the virtues of getting married. No, we don't want to talk you into something you already screwed up once. We're here to help you stall for more time. 'cause even if you propose to her tonight, and we hope you will, there's still a lot of speed bumps you can use to kind of delay the process to get you up the aisle there. Like picking the ring -- now, that should take two months' salary. You don't know how much that is till you get a job. Then there's scheduling the date. There's so many things to work around there -- all the sports playoffs. And take, uh, picking china. I mean, that could take months, even if you are being helpful. And there's which church. Oh, yeah, minister, justice of the peace. Guest list. Flowers. Cake. Oh, you can stretch this out well into the next millennium. Oh, yeah, you'll be pulling pension, sitting in a wheelchair, by the time they roll you down the aisle. And if you still need to stall for more time, you can rig the wheels to fall off. By that point, I would imagine the wheels would be falling off pretty near everything. [ quacking ] while buster hadfield is corralling all the fireflies in the area, I thought I'd show you how to handle some of the other bugs that we get up here. I'm assuming you can still kill insects without offending a lobby group of some kind. All right, for starters, what you want to do is to combine a couple of flyswatters with another common household kitchen appliance -- the rat trap. Now, don't worry. This isn't occupied. This is moose thompson's sock. He probably got nailed trying to raid the fridge. All right, the first thing you want to do is to attach the flyswatters to the rat trap, using the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. All right, now I got the flyswatters attached to the rat trap, and now I got to just bait it. You know what they say about honey attracts flies. All right, now I wait for a fly. Harold says there's a fly in this box over here. Ah. I see. All right. That's my fault. I'm the one who trusted harold. All right, so, the fly comes flying in. [ imitates buzzing ] lands on the trap. Boom. Ho! By golly! That is great. Might want to stand well back on that. Now for those of you who like to kill bugs, say, a hundred at a time or so, I'm gonna show you how to make a gigantic fly strip. And what you're gonna need are some of these, uh, peel-and-stick floor tiles that you got left over from that kitchen project where you measured wrong, multiplied wrong, converted to metric wrong, and then didn't let your wife choose the pattern. All right, now, you're gonna need something to stick these things onto to become your fly strip -- something big. I'm thinking window. [ glass shatters ] all right, no, no. I'm thinking door. Here we go. This thing will catch the bugs on their way in or on their way out, depending on how clean you keep your house. All right, this becomes your fly strip, and now what you got to do to make that all work is, uh, put the, uh, floor tiles on, sticky side out, using a staple gun. [ grunts ] boy, these things really stick. This is gonna work great. [ grunts ] oh, man. [ grunts ] it's always a good idea to have extra tools and extra clothes on this project. Or, you know, what you could do is to staple all the tiles on first and then peel the backing off. Yeah. Yeah, that would work. Learn from my mistakes. Somebody should. Another tip -- you might want to leave the sticky stuff off the bottom couple of feet of the door if you have a dog or a little kid or something. Now, this thing will work great and everything, but it's a little passive for my taste. I like something that uses power, so I'm thinking electric bug zapper, huh? And what you're gonna need for this is one of these old beds, 'cause you want the metal spring out of the bottom, and you're gonna need yourself a roll of chicken wire. Now, I've wrapped the chicken wire all around the old, metal bedspring so that none of the bugs will be able to slip through the cracks. What you want to do is to hook this whole rig up to the biggest power box you got in your home. [ chuckles ] I'll tell you, the neighbors will have something to talk about here... If they can hear themselves over the sound of bugs frying. Remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's see if we got any flying pests around here. [ electricity crackling ] boy, that works great. Kind of an odd smell, though. I could open up one of them cajun restaurants -- mosquito cooking. Stay tuned. Coming up, I'm gonna do something to bill that I always wanted to. And harold, like so many teenagers, had a little something extra in his pants. Well, the guys have installed the glass roof in buster's house. It's looking real good -- one giant skylight. Wa-a! From the top of the hill looking down, it looks like a giant sandwich container with a see-through lid. It's tight, it's dry, and it's ready for the fireflies. Buster figures a couple of hundred thousand will give him enough light at night and then privacy during the daytime. Mrs. Hadfield is a lovely woman, but you just don't want to see a lot of her before 10:00 in the morning, I'll tell you. Well, where's buster gonna get all these fireflies from? He's paying for them, harold -- a penny apiece. I figure I'm gonna make a few bucks with this jar right here. [ laughs ] uncle red, when it comes to catching bugs, I am the champ. Yeah, that's true. They're drawn to you like flies to something or other. Maybe when the bugs see you, they think it's a family reunion, harold. Or maybe it's because I'm an ichthyologist. Boy, there's a fancy word for "doofus." [ engine revs ] portions of this show would have been brought to you by braxton's marina, but we're having an off year. Ah, okay, oh, it's a good one. "lost -- a large european lycosa taran-tula." wa-a-a! That sounds interesting. Wa-a-a! Wa-a-a! "also known as the tarantula spider." ah. Okay. "it escaped from a cage, likes dark, warm places. "contact stinky if you see him or if you suddenly feel a painful, sharp bite." that rules me out. Wa-a-a. [ animal sniffing ] what's that? Oh-ho-ho-ho! [ shrieking ] [ chomp! ] ow. Don't bite there. Don't bite there. Oh, I'm young. Don't bite that. Ah. Oh. Mm, uncle red, help! [ chomp! ] [ screams ] [ bear growls ] ranger gord. Red! Yeah? Red, come on in. Come on in. You too, harold. Come on. Please. You're just in time. What's going on here, gord? Well, my correspondence school is having a reunion today. Where is everybody? Well, it's a correspondence school, red. Everybody's where they've always been -- at home. That's where we went to school, see? And, I must say, I think I've held out pretty well. I still have all my own hair. Did you see that? Yeah, all right. My good sports jacket still fits me. Uh-huh. Oh, there's my old pen-and-pencil set. That brings back some memories. Oh, for gosh sakes. You know, if -- if I was at a real school with real people, I-I bet they'd tease the heck out of me in how I never let anybody borrow these. Yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. Uh, gord, before we get too far into this, what can you tell me about catching fireflies? Not too much, red. Oh. But I know somebody who does. I know somebody who does. Wait. Yeah. There he is -- harry wells. He majored in entomology. Oh, yeah. All right. There's his address, if you want. Yeah. Yeah. [ laughs ] he was the class clown, I remember. Oh, what a character! Whoa! [ laughs ] uh, gord -- gord, you never met this guy. No, no. But in my mind -- in my mind, I-I imagine that he was. Hmm. There's joanna armstrong. Oh, I had -- I had a crush on her something fierce. Why don't you go tell her at the reunion, you know? The address is right there. Look, there we go. No, that's just the address of the correspondence school. Yeah, where everybody's meeting today for the reunion. You know? Read what it says. What? Yeah. Oh. No! No. No, I couldn't. I mean, that would be dereliction of duty. I-I couldn't leave here. Oh, sure. I'll tell you what. Tell you what. I'll cover for you for a day. Won't you, harold? No! No. It's my duty. It makes me who I am. Yeah, that's for sure, gord. Want some punch? Harold, want some punch? [ tires screech, crash ] [ high-pitched voice ] oh, uncle red. Harold, you seen my bait box anywhere? Oh, uncle red, I have a tarantula in my pants. Uh, no, thanks. I'm gonna use dew worms. Help me. Help me, please. Ohh, help me. What? Speak up, harold. I have a huge killer tarantula in my pants! Wa-a-a! What is with you young people? First you got the earrings. Then you got the nose rings. Now you're putting killer spiders in your pants. "lycosa tarantula. Warm, dark places. Sharp, painful bite." well, why is it in your pants, harold? Don't they feed those things? All right. Don't worry about it. I'll get it. Where is it? In the back, left side. Ohh! All right. Hold still. Hold still. Hold still. Hold still now. Wait, wait. All right, hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. [ squeak! Pop! ] there. Got it. [ shuddering ] do you want to see it? No, that's fine. Shall I just take it outside and dispose of it? All right, but you owe me one. No, no. We're even. [ explosion ] red: Well, it's time for "adventures with bill," and what do you got for us today, bill? I don't wear hats -- not that kind of -- oh, oh, I see. Oh, it's a bee keep-- oh, a bee keep-- oh, boy. I don't know. You're gonna be a bee keeper, bill? I don't know. I don't -- I'm always kind of leery about bees. Oh, my gosh. Look at that hive. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Stay back, stay back, stay back. I'm not allergic or anything, but I don't want -- oh, man. Now, apparently they don't go far from the hive, so you're really not in as much danger as, you know -- but it's right on the end of the -- bill, you -- bill, you hung -- bill, you hung your stuff right on the end of the branch -- of the -- the same hive -- well, all right, all right. I wouldn't shake that. I'd be a little careful of that, bill. Now, apparently, these bees -- bill. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Apparently these outfits are made of some kind of material that the bee stinger won't go -- I'm putting the hat on, yeah. I don't -- I -- the flannel is fine. Bill, don't pull. Bill, don't -- bill. Bill. Bill. No, I wouldn't pull too hard. Oh, oh, oh. Well, don't have to worry about that anymore. Now, actually, I feel like I'm a kindergarten teacher, trying to help him get his little coveralls on there. What was that? What was that? I think something went by there, bill. Did you see or hear something go by? No? Oh, well. I guess we're okay. Now he's gonna collect honey. Apparently, if you just stick a knife in the bottom of the hive, the honey will just drip out of there, just like jimmie rodgers was singing a song about it. So that's my job, I guess. Like heck it is. I'm not going anywhere near them. Well, where's the hive? Where did it go? Where did the hive go? Wait a minute. I hope that's a hive. I got a knife here, so just stand still, bill. This will be perfectly safe, I think. I'm pretty sure. [ pop! ] oh, maybe not. [ bees buzzing ] wow. Wow. Look at that. Looks like one of those, uh, tap dancers, you know, those singing-and-dancing guys. Maybe you should be in one of those "b" movies. Coming up, harold's gonna use his face to prove that bugs will eat anything. And our home-reno expert, mike, is gonna do some wiring for us. Uh, if a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, possum lodge has got to be the most dangerous place on earth. I don't remember catching fireflies ever being life-threatening. I could be flirting with malaria. Well, if it works like your other flirting, you got nothing to worry about. So, how many fireflies have you caught so far? Roughly none. Ha ha ha! Good, we're tied. Well, I stopped trying, harold, until buster gets the fire put out. He had a fire? Yeah, something to do with the angle of the sun hitting the pitch of the roof. And then when they put the glass in, they kind of crimped her, so she's a bit bent, and it made like a laser beam into his house. Wow, that's cool. Yeah, that's like when you take a magnifying glass and you hold it just so, you know, so you can burn the legs off ants. Well, this actually burned the legs off of buster's dining-room suite. And then as the day went by, with the sun moving, that beam scorched a straight line across the rug, cut the couch in half, bisected the coffee table, melted the fridge, and cooked the kissing gouramis in his aquarium. Wow. What's he gonna do now? A rain dance, I would think. Yeah. [ keyboard clacking, bear growls ] you know what the hardest part of this job is? Leap years. Man! This week, in our dream-home renovation segment, we're gonna do some work on the lodge itself, 'cause you know that old saying, charity begins at home -- of course, not my home. Well, you know, to me, the mark of a truly wonderful house is the number of electrical outlets it has. You can't have enough of those babies. So I've asked mike here to put another electrical outlet up into my bedroom, right above us here. And please welcome our contractor, mike. Hi, mr. Green. Well, here it is -- the plug to your bedroom, just like you asked for. Uh, mike, it looks like you took a wire from the basement, come up through the floor, and gone straight up through the ceiling there. Yeah, and I'll tell you why. You got a plug in the middle of your room. Yeah. You can plug into anything you want in the whole wide room. It's convenient. Yeah, yeah. See, I'm applying myself, mr. Green... Yeah. ...Just like you and the prison chaplain told me to. No, no, no, that's -- that's good. I just -- you know, I just don't know how I feel about this cable hanging right through the center of the living room here. Well, nobody will notice. No, I-I think they might, mike. You know, it kind of catches your eye there. God, I knew it wouldn't work. I mean, I'm useless. I'm just a piece of garbage, you know, just useless. Now, mike, don't get down on yourself. You tried something. It just didn't fly, that's all. Hey, I got a great idea. We build a wall, cover up the wire, right, right down the middle here, right? You separate your living room into two rooms. You got two living rooms, right? Well, two half living rooms. Okay, okay. Then you build a wall just up to here, like a half wall, right? If you want to talk, you can say, "hello, hello." hello, hello. See? Yeah? That would be nice. I like it. I like it. Like a dutch -- a dutch wall. A dutch wall, yeah. All right. And then what would you do with the cable that goes from there on up? Aw, geez. Oh! I'm a piece of human farm manure. That's what I am, nothing better than that. You know, just send me back, lock me up, take me away. I'm a piece of uselessness. That's what I am. Got a thought. Got a thought. What? You see that vertical beam there? Why don't we bring that over here, put the wire up inside it? Nobody's gonna see it. Nobody's gonna be any the wiser. Well, that's a supporting beam, isn't it? Yeah, but we'll move it really fast. [ laughs ] huh? Huh? Huh? Mr. Green! I know. You're a genius, you know? And here we are at braxton's marina with glen braxton here. I understand business is booming, glen. Oh, ain't that right? Last year, we lost $50,000. Yeah. This year, only halfway through the season, we're only down $12,000. So we're pretty excited. Well, that is a big success story right there, yeah. Oh, things will turn around, red, what with free trade and interest rates and that insurance claim. [ laughs ] that's good. Yeah, and this year we're offering better service to our customers, too. Oh, I would think service would be a huge growth area for you. Oh, and we changed hours, so now we're open during the season. Right. Yeah, and, you know, we jacked prices way up, too. Oh, right, and, of course, you're doing the boat-care demonstration as part of our show. Exactly, which brings us to today's, uh, boating tip. It's how to make your boat look better. Uh-huh. So, if it doesn't run good, that doesn't mean it can't look good. No, I-I guess with a boat like this, we go see edgar, get some dynamite, and blow this pup-- no, no, red. What? What? The insurance company won't buy that twice. Oh. [ both chuckle ] so, anyway, red, pinstriping -- that's the key. Oh, gosh. Here you go. I can't do it, red. I get dizzy when I bend over. Oh. All right. Now, what kind of tape is this, glen? Uh, gore-tex, vortex -- I can't -- but a salesman told me they used it on the hubble space telescope. No kidding. Yeah, it's waterproof, fireproof, non-fading, and meteor-resistant. Wow, you know, buster should run a strip of this right across his living-room floor. It'll block that sunbeam thing. Oh, he could -- sure, he could do that. Yeah. You know, he could put it right across a hardwood floor, 'cause it's made for a lapstrake wood boat. For gosh sakes. Yeah, you're only limited by your imagination, red. Well, let's see if I can catch my limit. [ humming ] glen, you got any more tape there? No. That was all the free samples, red. You save enough for the name? Well, yeah, as long as the boat's called hyphen. I don't think it's gonna matter, red. No? No, you only use a name to identify a boat. I-I think we got that covered. Okay. Well, buster hadfield's firefly skylight is going into the possum lodge record books -- the first project that did not cause serious injury and almost worked. Almost? I thought it looked great last night -- all those fireflies all over the place in the ceiling -- looked like shooting stars. Yeah, he had his own planetarium for a while there, but buster didn't take into account the bats. I mean, the bats saw all them fireflies, looked at them like one of them all-you-can-eat bug buffets. They started dive-bombing the house. Oh, no. Splat? Yeah, but not that splat. They pulled out of the dive 'cause their radar detected the glass. But the bat droppings, harold -- holy mackerel. Blocked out the sun. So, to scrape them off, buster had to hook up a gigantic windshield wiper. Excuse me, uncle red, but what did he use? Well, he went and ripped off one of them flashing arms from the railroad crossing. Oh, that is illegal and dangerous. Oh, no. It worked great. Oh, you mean the train crash? Well, harold, nobody can prove that that arm would have stopped the cow from going on the tracks, anyway. You know, you don't realize how many parts there are in a cow till you see one broken down into its components like that. Oh, boy. [ chuckles ] where's the beef? All over buster's roof, actually. So he's going back to regular shingles, but the good news is he's gonna have a barbecue and invite us all over as soon as he scrapes all the hamburger out of the eaves troughs. [ screeching ] don't mention that at the meeting tonight. No, no. I'll be down in a little while -- a half-hour or so. Okay. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming, uh, straight home after the meeting, and I'm bringing us a little -- a little pet -- a little firefly named sparky. I figure we can keep him down at the foot of the bed. And that way, maybe I won't stub my toe when I get up in the middle of the night. Mind you, the bed has to be shaken for him to work. And to the rest of you, thanks so much for watching, and until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] harold: All rise! All rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down. All right. To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.